Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Rational Versus Irrational

My husband is leaving on a semi-business trip in a few days, and I have worst case scenarios running through my mind.

The trip is near where we used to live, and it is over the weekend. As he will be able to spend spare time with family, it should be a good thing in theory. I am stuck in the world where he has three days away from his wife and kids in the town where the woman he had an affair with lives.

My rational self acknowledges that he is not the same person he was when all of that took place, and that our marriage is in a better place as well. My rational self knows he is going for us: to help make our lives better and support us, his family. My irrational self imagines that he has her phone number memorized or that he has somehow alerted her to the fact that he will be in town. My irrational self keeps me up at night.

I do not even know if he knows that she moved back to the area, but I do not want to bring it up either. It is needless worrying that is most likely the result of me feeling vulnerable and hormonal: pregnancy will do that to you.

I want to tell him that I need to look at his phone. That I am exercising my Cheated-On Spouse Rights to tear apart all his privacy to search for something that will confirm what the little voice in my mind is whispering. "What if....."

Instead, I hugged him. I told him that I loved him, and that he had two things to remember on his trip: he had to come back no matter how crazy the kids were before he left, and that he was married. He smiled and hugged me back. We spent some time holding each other and talking about our day, and then we fell asleep.

My rational self won this battle!


  1. Your guest poster here :)... I struggle with this ALL. THE. TIME. All I can do when I'm feeling irrational is pray. I know I'm not in control, and that's the hardest part. The only thing that keeps me going during times like that is 'giving it up' so to speak.

  2. Yes, I think I repeated to myself a few times "You can't control it. You can't control it." As much as I wish I could... things of course were fine and it was all needless fretting, but I am not immune to the occasional bout of jealousy!