Sunday, December 8, 2013

Anger and Music

Forgiveness does not come easy to me.

That might sound odd coming from someone that was willing to work through adultery in her marriage, but it is true. Forgiving my husband for the pain caused was the easy part. The anger did not subside for years, and rebuilding our life together was and continues to be complicated. The constant movie and music plot lines centering on affairs and cheating and lust and sex only fueled my anger.

The longer I let myself be angry, the easier it was to say hurtful things. I pushed my husband away continuously. He never wavered in his promises of change. When I told him I didn't believe him, he said he would earn my trust. When I said I was unsure he loved me or that he had changed, he told me that was okay, because HE was certain he had changed. When I told him I was afraid I couldn't love him the same way again, he followed my lead, but remained a constant source of love.

Shortly After Knowing, we had to change vehicles. I only had one CD to listen to, and while I loved it, it also rubbed salt in my fresh wounds. I realized one day the entire album was about an affair. I was riding around, in a car that my husband cheated on me in, with someone else's hand prints on the back seat windows. I felt humiliated. So I belted out the words to every song on that CD. It was all I listened to for months.

One day I realized that I was letting myself dwell in anger, and it was emotionally draining. I had to break the cycle. So, I changed the soundtrack.

Over time, the anger subsided. It felt as though one day I was mad, and the next day, we were better than ever. I had let go of the anger and remembered how to forgive him.

Today, I was listening to another song by the same artist. Lyrics from the song struck me:

And I, oh I
Wanted you both to know
That I, oh I
Forgave you both long ago

In time, I was able and willing to forgive my husband. I have still not reached that point for the other women. That is anger I wonder if I will ever be willing to let go.