Monday, October 22, 2012

Sexually Transmitted Disease Testing

Once I was relatively certain there were no more surprises coming my way, I set about letting him fix it. The truth was, I had given my all to our marriage since day one, and I was exhausted. It was time for him to do some leg work. A raw honesty entered our marriage. It is not in me to be dishonest; I have an incredibly difficult time with it, but I felt as though I was a new person. I did not try to save his feelings when he asked me questions. I answered with brutal honesty. Before I Knew, I had been thinking about more children, and I was furious that my entire life was now thrown into this blender. Everything felt so uncertain and in a way I hated him a little for ruining things. When it was time for my yearly doctor's appointment, I asked for an STD test. My husband had planned on going anonymously into a clinic so that his work would never find out, but I needed an answer and I wanted to go to someone I trusted.

It was humiliating. My doctor was well versed in NFP and very Catholic, so he did all he could to comfort me while asking ridiculously hard questions so he could determine what kinds of tests I needed. He asked me if I was staying. I immediately responded yes without a thought. He asked if I wanted the numbers to a few NFP instructors for a refresher, and I realized that I didn't know if I could have any more children with him.

I came home in a foul mood. It was a difficult day. He was very upset that I had testing done, and I told him there was no way I was going to go to a clinic by myself, and that he had a month since I had brought it up to do something about it. he didn't, so I did. What followed was one of the most difficult conversations of the entire ordeal.

I told him that I was tired. I explained that a part of me truly needed to be able to be secure in believing I could support myself and my child if the changes did not stick. A part of me needed a back up plan, because I could not go through it all again as I was barely making it through it the first time. I told him that I did not know if I was willing to have more children with him. He asked me if I wanted to stay, and I said yes. I told him my answer is yes, but that it would take some time for me to trust him again. I asked if he could do it again, if he would have still asked me to marry him, and he said yes. He looked me in the eyes and told me that even if I couldn't trust him yet, he knows things are different and that he can change and that he would spend the rest of his life convincing me of it.

After some thought, I think I really just gave in. It had been a difficult month to say the least. I went to Eucharistic Adoration that week and I just repeated over and over "I can't do this. If it is Your will for us to have more children, then You decide. I can't do this..." I let go of that control because it was more than I could handle.

After the results of the testing came back negative, I was able to breathe a bit easier. My doctor asked that I come in again in a few months, so I set the appointment. Then my husband and I just focused on rebuilding.

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