Even months before I had found out about the affairs, I was in a redefining period of my life. I was just discovering what life as a parent meant. I also had to add this new role to my life and sort of rearrange my life in a way so that everything still fit and I felt like me.
The initial six months After Knowing really envigorated this quest for me. I was getting used to my new body, and acknowledging old and new wants. I cannot say that every woman goes through this, I can only explain what it was like for me, and it was empowering.
We live in a sex-crazed world: I would bet money most women have thought about what they would do and how they would react if they found out their husband cheated on them with multiple women. I had always expected to feel disgusted and distant. The truth is, I finally felt like we were approaching honesty. It felt as though, for the first time in a very long time that I had his full and undivided attention. Before finding out, I had all these creative plans to help me to feel less like a mom 24/7 and more like a woman. I wanted to feel sexy! These needs and wants did not fall away After Knowing, so I followed my instincts.
I did not want to fall apart. I did not want to take a single day off of work to mope; I just wanted to focus on me. So I did.
I bought new clothes, bras and underwear. I made plans to see friends I had not seen in a while. I focused on eating healthy and cooking more and being a better parent. I stopped feeling guilty for the occaisional pampering when I treated myself to something nice. For the first time in six years, I sort of went on auto pilot where our marriage was concerned and I let him lead. I stopped waiting on him and I just DID. It was so easy to be wrapped up in only making things work with him and trying not to push his buttons, that I just needed to change gears and focus on me and what I needed from our marriage.
I felt different. I felt as though he noticed me again, and like he wanted me. We were able to speak freely again with each other about what we wanted for our marriage and what we wanted out of life. It was almost as though we were meeting again for the first time in some ways. There were no secrets or lies. We spent hours talking to each other about how we wanted to raise our child, ways to feel closer, things we liked to do, our sex life... it brought me to tears on multiple occaisions when I thought about how bad things had been and how I had just accepted it for fear of rocking the boat. It was as though I had previously been swallowed up by the marriage, the pregnancy, and by him. I was slowing coming out of it when I found the text messages, and then suddenly what I needed was clear to me and he was either on board or he was not.
My parents divorced when I was in high school. I had grown in my Catholic faith throughout colllege, and these two factors made me decidedly Anti-Divorce. Back when we were dating, he had told me he was against divorce as well. Amid all our talks about our marriage and how we needed to heal and fix things, it was clear that our marriage would not survive another affair. I was confident at the time that had roles been reversed and I had cheated on him, that I would not be given the opportunity to fix things. I was not ready to give up on our life together, but if he would have been unable commit and "pull his weight", I was confident that a separation would occur. Even if I had to live the rest of his life in a legal but Catholic separation, I was willing to do it if it meant my child would be in a better environment. I struggled greatly with responding mercifully yet firm to the truth about our marriage and the sex addiction. I felt as though my God was calling me to rediscover myself, and to show my husband what unconditional love was. It is my personal goal to answer this call daily. I do not always feel I have the strength to do so, but fortunately for me, I am reminded of the amazing things our love is capable of when I look at our children.
Nearly two years after I began to include myself in my focus, I feel completely renewed. I make myself a priority the same as I do my marriage and my children. We have a balance that our life was sorely missing. When I am important to me, I begin to see how I am important to my husband and my children as well.
Showing posts with label dishonesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dishonesty. Show all posts
Friday, October 26, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
How I Knew Things Would Be Different
Sometime in the first few weeks After Knowing, I called my closest friend. I asked her if she thought my husband was capable of change. She knew we had struggles, but I don't think she was expecting that phone call. It was a question that was in the back of my mind for a long time After Knowing.
I previously mentioned that he had written me a note soon after that detailed how he would begin to start over. Here are some of the ways that he began to change, and are still different to this day:
1. He did pretty extensive research on Sex Addiction, and within the first few days had deleted all pornography from the computer, and set about ceasing masturbation.
2. He began coming to Mass with his family. Raising our child Catholic was important to me, and if I had to do it alone, I was determined to do so. He came to the realization that he was not acting as though he was fully a part of our family if he was not attending Mass with us. It was the answer to a very long held prayer for me.
3. He began to let me know when he would be late coming home from work, and would send me short emails from time to time.
4. He let me be angry.
5. He accepted responsibility when he was in the wrong or if he helped contribute to a problem: it was no longer a battle of wills when we had an argument because there was some honesty again in our marriage.
6. He asked if I could arrange for us to renew our vows on our anniversary. We needed a restart button, and this was better. We renewed our vows with the priest that was at our wedding, with our child and our close friends present.
Though I still reserve the right to change my mind, we have not ever participated in or sought out marriage counseling. We agreed that if it ever became more than we could handle, if I felt we were no longer speaking honestly with each other, or if I felt as though there was any back sliding, that we would find a counselor. To date, there has not been a need.
The night of our sixth wedding anniversary was when we renewed our vows. We ate dinner with our closest friends, and had a rare evening to ourselves after attending Mass and the renewal. About a month and a half later, it was time for the appointment my doctor had requested, and he asked that my husband come with me. It was there that God answered another prayer. It was confirmed that we had conceived our second child the night we had renewed our vows.
Life After Knowing is not always easy, but as the two year mark draws near, I can honestly say I do not think about it every waking moment. Most days it does not enter my thoughts. For me, staying was the easy part: the difficult thing was allowing him to change and take the lead. I stayed for many reasons, but none of them would have mattered if he had not been able to make changes and accept responsibility for his actions. It may seem as though staying was a push-over move, but I assure you that nothing about it is weak. I fought for my marriage and so did my husband. We fought together for the marriage that we wanted, and the life we live now is nothing like the life we lived Before. We are in a loving and committed relationship. Our children have parents that love them dearly and that love each other.
The reason I wanted to tell my story, is because affairs are things that no one wants to talk about. They are humiliating and demeaning, and no one wants to feel as though they are a fool. I assure you that you are not alone. Sexual dishonesty such as affairs, masturbation or sex addictions is unfortunately more common than most of us want to let on. Dishonesty in marriage happens. If you have experienced marital dishonesty and would like to tell your story anonymously, please email me at fromtheashes2012@gmail.com.
I previously mentioned that he had written me a note soon after that detailed how he would begin to start over. Here are some of the ways that he began to change, and are still different to this day:
1. He did pretty extensive research on Sex Addiction, and within the first few days had deleted all pornography from the computer, and set about ceasing masturbation.
2. He began coming to Mass with his family. Raising our child Catholic was important to me, and if I had to do it alone, I was determined to do so. He came to the realization that he was not acting as though he was fully a part of our family if he was not attending Mass with us. It was the answer to a very long held prayer for me.
3. He began to let me know when he would be late coming home from work, and would send me short emails from time to time.
4. He let me be angry.
5. He accepted responsibility when he was in the wrong or if he helped contribute to a problem: it was no longer a battle of wills when we had an argument because there was some honesty again in our marriage.
6. He asked if I could arrange for us to renew our vows on our anniversary. We needed a restart button, and this was better. We renewed our vows with the priest that was at our wedding, with our child and our close friends present.
Though I still reserve the right to change my mind, we have not ever participated in or sought out marriage counseling. We agreed that if it ever became more than we could handle, if I felt we were no longer speaking honestly with each other, or if I felt as though there was any back sliding, that we would find a counselor. To date, there has not been a need.
The night of our sixth wedding anniversary was when we renewed our vows. We ate dinner with our closest friends, and had a rare evening to ourselves after attending Mass and the renewal. About a month and a half later, it was time for the appointment my doctor had requested, and he asked that my husband come with me. It was there that God answered another prayer. It was confirmed that we had conceived our second child the night we had renewed our vows.
Life After Knowing is not always easy, but as the two year mark draws near, I can honestly say I do not think about it every waking moment. Most days it does not enter my thoughts. For me, staying was the easy part: the difficult thing was allowing him to change and take the lead. I stayed for many reasons, but none of them would have mattered if he had not been able to make changes and accept responsibility for his actions. It may seem as though staying was a push-over move, but I assure you that nothing about it is weak. I fought for my marriage and so did my husband. We fought together for the marriage that we wanted, and the life we live now is nothing like the life we lived Before. We are in a loving and committed relationship. Our children have parents that love them dearly and that love each other.
The reason I wanted to tell my story, is because affairs are things that no one wants to talk about. They are humiliating and demeaning, and no one wants to feel as though they are a fool. I assure you that you are not alone. Sexual dishonesty such as affairs, masturbation or sex addictions is unfortunately more common than most of us want to let on. Dishonesty in marriage happens. If you have experienced marital dishonesty and would like to tell your story anonymously, please email me at fromtheashes2012@gmail.com.
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